Forgiveness
by Lady Dante
Summary: #2 in a series. The war is over and Lucretzia Noin is trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered life. Can she learn to forgive herself and those she loved? Sorry about the bad formatting. I'm trying to fix that.


Forgiveness

_Forgiveness_ Song by Collective Soul

Story by Lady Dante

~In my silence I would love to forget  
But restitution hasn't come quite yet~

A young woman stood outside the gates of a cemetery, staring somberly at the perfect rows of white marble stones. Each marker shone brilliantly in the sunlight, adding to the illusion of a perfect garden of peace. The young woman took a step forward, as though to enter the grounds, but stopped and turned away from the flawlessly manicured landscape. This was the fourth time in as many weeks that Lucretzia Noin tried to enter the Eve War Memorial Cemetery. Each previous attempt had ended with a sprint to her car and the sound of squealing tires as the young woman sped away.

As she started slowly for her car, Noin mentally cursed herself for being weak. She thought she was ready this time. She had prepared for several days, even took the trouble to look at the map, which detailed the meticulous arrangement of small monuments. Noin was certainly impressed with Lady Une's design. It was simple, yet elegant. Every stone the exact shape and size of the next. No towering obelisks honoring one over another, no obscenely elaborate tributes to a specific casualty. Every grave bore quiet testimony to the sacrifice of an individual, yet blended into one large monument.

~And with one accord I keep moving forth.   
I stretch my heart to heal some more~

Noin wondered if it had been difficult for the former OZ colonel to resist the urge to create a shrine to the former world sovereign, Treize Kushrenada. It certainly must have been tempting. The world population was in such a state at the time of the memorial's creation, no one would have objected to a 20-acre temple to their fallen hero, the man who saved the world. To Une's credit, her vision of the Eve War Memorial was a dignified reminder that the present peace came at a high price. The Lady saw it as a quiet place for reflection, not a grandiose monument to glories won in battle.

It seemed important to Une that Noin visit the place. Noin assumed it was her former commander's way of achieving some sort of closure. There weren't many OZ officers left in the world and sharing this one remembrance was a way of closing that chapter of history for good. Noin wanted closure as well, but it was proving incredibly difficult. There was still so much pain and anger in her heart. She clung to it with stubborn determination, afraid she could no longer feel anything else. 

Halfway to her car, Noin halted in her tracks. She couldn't go on like this forever, clinging to the past as a frightened child clutches a favorite toy. She turned and hesitantly walked back to the wrought iron gate leading into the memorial garden. Perhaps Une was right. It was time to make peace with what happened and learn to live again.

~It used to be all I'd want to learn  
was wisdom, trust and truth~

Noin took a deep breath and stepped through the gates. She walked steadily between the precisely aligned rows towards a small tree. It was not far from the gate, but the walk seemed interminable. After what seemed like miles, the young woman finally came to stop in front of two markers. His Excellency, Duke Treize Kushrenada. Born AC 171, Died AC 195. The great Treize. Millions still mourned his death. Thousands more shared his resting place. Noin stepped forward and brushed the tips of her fingers over the top of the cool stone. The former lieutenant was surprised to realize she missed the general. He had been a complicated man caught up in equally complex times, but Treize was also charming, funny and brilliant. His Excellency's loss left a vacuum no one could possibly fill. Noin smiled sadly and murmured a few words of prayer for her former instructor.

~But now all I really want to learn  
is forgiveness for you~

Noin turned to the second stone and took a tentative step forward. Kneeling before the gleaming marker, the young woman squinted to read the inscription. Prince Milliardo Peacecraft. Born AC 176, Died AC 195. May God have mercy on his soul. May He indeed. Noin stood once again and stepped back from the headstone. It had given her some measure of comfort to learn that Zechs had attempted to correct his mistakes. He destroyed Libra himself rather than allow Heero to self-destruct. In the end, part of the man Noin knew reemerged and saved them all. 

Noin suddenly realized she was standing directly on his grave. Normally, she would have respectfully moved aside, but Noin knew Zechs wasn't in that grave. No remains had been found. Every other casualty had been accounted for, including Treize himself, but no trace of the White Fang commander's body had been recovered. It was attributed to the fact that Libra's destruction had been exceptionally violent, the energy expended hypothesized to be sufficient to vaporize human remains. Noin didn't buy that. 

Noin had come to believe that Zechs was alive. Une, Sally Poe and a dozen others insisted she was in denial, and perhaps that had been true initially, but Noin had long since passed through every stage of grief and still could not bring herself to accept Zechs was dead. She could not shake the belief that they would see each other again someday.

It had made her angry at first. The idea that the person she cared for most was alive and well, but hiding from her, made Noin feel used. She sacrificed so much for him and yet Zechs couldn't be bothered to send word he was all right. Perhaps he was angry with her for standing up to him. So be it. The very least he could do is send a note of goodbye. 

Noin sighed and rubbed her temple. That line of thought wasn't getting her anywhere. She was weary of running in circles when it came to Zechs. She was having enough trouble dealing with her own confused emotions. There were demons in her own soul to conquer, her own life to piece together. How could she expect more of Zechs? He was as human as she, with flaws as deep. 

~As my seasons change I've now grown to know  
When one's heart creates, one's soul doesn't owe~

Noin pondered her feelings for the man she continued to call 'Zechs.' He wasn't the same boy she befriended in school. He wasn't the man she grew to admire and love. Nor was she the same girl who had fallen for the great 'Lightning Count.' Perhaps it was better for them to be apart, at least for now. They both needed a chance to grow up and learn to be something more than soldiers.

The young woman allowed her eyes to wander over the inscription on his headstone. It was appropriate, she decided, that the stone honor the fallen prince of Sanc rather than the 'Lightning Count.' That poor, abused boy truly was dead and would never be resurrected. Noin could bid goodbye to Prince Milliardo, she had never known him. She always thought ofthe young man as 'Zechs,' a comrade-in-arms, a leader, a friend. He would always be 'Zechs' to her and it was that man she longed for.

~So I wash away stains of yesterday  
then tempt my heart with love's display~

Noin reached forward and ran a palm over the inscription. The hard stone was cold yet smooth, much like the man it was meant to honor. An icy exterior protecting the warmth within. She closed her eyes and tried to call his image to mind, ironic considering she spent the past few months willing away the memory of his face. Now, in this place, she felt safe to allow the memories to play across her mind. Noin smiled wryly, recalling the countless hours of her adolescence she spent fantasizing about the young Cadet Marquise, wondering what it would be like to wake up in his arms. The young woman opened her eyes and stared at the stone, drawing her fingers to her lips as she remembered their first kiss. Noin had been moved by the gentleness with which Zechs touched her…almost as though he feared she would break. She had known little tenderness in her young life and treasured those rare moments alone with her dearly loved friend.

Noin shook off her useless reminisces and stood.Zechs wasn't here. She shouldn't be afraid to visit this beautiful place anymore. He wasn't here. He was out there somewhere, healing. He was growing stronger, hopefully in all the right ways. Stronger emotionally. Noin would grow stronger as well, she could feel it happening already. They would meet again, this time as whole adults, not wounded children. They could have a second chance to do things right. 

The young woman suddenly felt silly for having been frightened to visits this lovely memorial. The dead should be remembered. They would not reach up and pull her down with them as she secretly feared.Noin turned and walked back to Treize's grave. She would visit His Excellency again. Pay tribute to her respected teacher. She could visit the graves of her fallen students and her fellow soldiers. She didn't have to visit the other tombstone ever again, but she would pay her respects to those laid to rest in this stone garden. She owed them that tribute. Next visit she would bring flowers. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++ End +++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is #2 in a Zechs and Noin songfic series. #1 is 'Scream,'#3 is 'It's Been A While.' I wrote each to stand alone, but there is a story arc there, so I suggest reading them in order. Reviews PLEASE!! I mean, I wrote THREE, so please!

Disclaimer: no I don't own Gundam Wing or the song 'Forgiveness' by Collective Soul. They are copyrighted by their respective owners. I would, however, be willing to negotiate for ownership. Bring me my life-size animatronic Zechs doll and we'll talk….


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